Addiction · ambivalence · motivation
What If I'm Addicted, But I Don't Really Want to Stop?
Knowing a behaviour is costly does not automatically make you ready to give it up. That conflict is not a failure of therapy—it is where useful therapy begins.
7 minute read
At Nightingale, we sometimes begin discussions about addiction with St. Augustine's famous prayer: “Lord, make me chaste—but not yet.”
It is a surprisingly good prayer for Addiction Counselling in Vancouver.
You can know something is a problem and still not really want to give it up. Maybe other people have mentioned it. Maybe the consequences are becoming obvious. Maybe shame or guilt is attached to it. You can see health, financial, relationship or professional costs piling up in the distance. There are reasons to quit.
But there may also be reasons not to.
Some forms of addiction carry the sense that they will eventually pay off. Maybe you are in the middle of something that will end. Maybe you do not want to give up the behaviour—you just wish you could control it. Maybe genuine benefits are mixed in with the costs, and you are unsure the trade is worth making.
Sometimes the answer is simpler and more uncomfortable: you just like it.
You may love the behaviour and still recognize its cost. Both things can be true at once.
Wanting to Quit and Wanting to Want to Quit
Therapists sometimes distinguish between problems that are ego-dystonic and those that are ego-syntonic. The terminology is a mouthful, but the distinction is useful.
“I hate this. I wish this were not happening to me.”
“This causes problems, but parts of it are pleasurable, useful or consistent with who I am.”
Addictive and compulsive behaviours can contain both at once.
You might desperately want to stop drinking while genuinely enjoying drinking. You might hate how much time you spend scrolling while loving the feeling of disappearing into your phone. You might recognize pornography is interfering with your relationship while thinking, I do not actually want to never watch it again.
That is not necessarily a failure of motivation. It is the motivational problem.
The Magic Button
One useful therapeutic question is sometimes called the Magic Button. David Burns has used it within TEAM-CBT to explore “outcome resistance”: the good reasons someone may have for not wanting a problem to disappear completely.
Imagine a red button. If you pressed it, you would walk out and never smoke another cigarette again. Would you press it?
You might think the answer is obvious. Sometimes it is not—and that hesitation is clinically interesting.
Pleasure, relief, stimulation, routine or belonging?
What feelings or situations would you need to face?
How would you use the time, energy or attention?
Would you like the person who walked away from the button?
The point is not to convince someone their addiction is secretly good. It is to take seriously that a behaviour can be costly and useful, destructive and pleasurable, unwanted and wanted.
Most People Are Not Quite Ready to Press the Button
People sometimes arrive at counselling believing they must first become completely motivated to change. They do not.
For many compulsive behaviours, people can see which consequences might be avoided if they stopped but do not yet know what life would be like without the behaviour. That uncertainty matters.
A person might give up alcohol and also a social world. They might give up pornography and a reliable form of stimulation or escape. They might give up compulsive exercise and a source of identity, discipline, community and control.
You cannot understand the difficulty of changing something until you understand what the thing is doing.
What Does the Behaviour Provide?
A behaviour that has become costly may still provide immediate rewards. It may create pleasure, stimulation, emotional relief, escape, social connection, predictability or a sense of control.
The fact that it now causes harm does not mean it never worked. In many cases, it worked extraordinarily well—which is precisely why it became so difficult to stop.
Understanding those functions does not excuse the consequences. It makes the problem specific enough to work with. If a behaviour has been your most reliable way to manage loneliness, anxiety, boredom, shame or emotional pain, removing it without understanding those needs leaves an important gap.
What Good Addiction Counselling Actually Does
Good addiction counselling does not begin and end with motivation to quit. It explores the motivational milieu in which the addiction resides.
Name the genuine benefits rather than pretending they do not exist.
Notice the emotions, experiences or relationships it helps you avoid.
Consider the life that change might open—not only what it removes.
Clarify whether you want control, harm reduction, moderation or abstinence.
At Nightingale, we begin with the assumption that compulsive activities usually contain a great deal of “good stuff,” no matter how obvious their downsides have become.
Addiction counselling does not stop when we discover that your motivation is not perfectly aligned with your reasons to quit.
Ambivalence is not an obstacle outside the therapy. It is the material of the therapy.
You do not need to be fully ready to begin
A free Discovery Session can help you find a counsellor who will take both sides of your ambivalence seriously.
Book a Free Discovery SessionFurther Reading
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Read more →Addiction and Ambivalence FAQ
What if I am addicted but do not want to stop?
You can recognize that a behaviour causes problems while not wanting to give it up. Counselling can explore what it provides, what it costs and what you actually want to change.
Why do I not want to stop my addiction?
Compulsive behaviours can provide pleasure, stimulation, relief, connection, escape or a way to manage difficult experiences.
Can you be addicted to something and still enjoy it?
Yes. A person can experience genuine pleasure and significant negative consequences from the same behaviour.
Can addiction counselling help if I am not ready to quit?
Yes. You do not need complete commitment before beginning. Therapy can explore ambivalence, consequences and the change you may want.
What if I only want control, not complete abstinence?
That is an important question to explore. Depending on the substance, behaviour and circumstances, therapy may consider moderation, harm reduction, increased control or abstinence.
Why is it hard to stop something when I know it is bad for me?
Knowledge alone does not remove immediate reward or relief. This can create conflict between what you want now and what you want for yourself later.
How does addiction counselling help with ambivalence?
It explores both reasons to change and reasons for hesitation, including what the behaviour means, what you fear losing and what alternatives may become possible.